I’m sure you may have heard people say, “Confidence attracts men”. Well, I learned first-hand that confidence is the number one trait in a woman that attracts men. I also realized confidence can push a person to do things they wouldn’t otherwise do, which can result in a man’s desire for you to skyrocket.
After my divorce, my confidence had all but diminished. I’d always been a strong person who rarely questioned myself, but this experience was one of those times that the rug was pulled out from underneath me, and I was completely caught off-guard. So much so, that at times I didn’t know which way was up.
Once I finally had the courage to drag myself out of the house, I found that I had become insecure, awkward, and walked with my head down and arms crossed in a self-defeating manner.
With the help of some great therapy and a little encouragement from my inner circle of friends, I learned to smile and make eye contact again. I also opened myself up to small talk with anyone I ran into, and I actively worked on ways to start a conversation. Admittedly, I pretty much forced myself to get out there and try again at connecting with men after suffering trauma that all but destroyed me.
Don’t be mistaken, confidence didn’t come easily or naturally after my divorce. Losing the life I’d built with my ex-husband and our young daughter, Aubrey, had scarred me in ways I could never imagine. Not only did I have to give up 50% custody of my daughter, but I also lost my best friend who was my closest confidant since high school.
For the first time in ten years, I had to imagine myself with someone new if I wanted to start rebuilding the life I wanted for Aubrey and me.
The enormity of the situation made every little thing in life feel exhausting. Admittedly, it was all I could do to take care of my basic needs and focus on what Aubrey needed. As was typical, I suffered situational depression after my traumatizing divorce.
Needless to say, I immediately lost interest in how I looked. My appearance just wasn’t a priority, and it never occurred to me that my lack of self-love was severely affecting my self-esteem as I tried to put myself out there.
It was a solid year before I realized I had to start putting effort into my looks and be intentional about feeling good about myself again. I exercised almost daily, mostly in an attempt to process my overwhelming thoughts and emotions. The side benefit was slimming down from a size 14 to a toned size 6.
Almost right away my family and friends started commenting on how I looked happier and healthier. This reinforcement gave me additional motivation to do more for myself. As I started feeling better about how I looked, sprinkled with a little positive male attention, my confidence slowly started to return.
I’d like to say that it was just as easy as that sounded. The fact of the matter was I had to come up with a plan and make a conscious effort to change my attitude to ultimately develop and portray genuine confidence.
None of this happened over-night as one would hope. Building my confidence took years and a conscious effort to do so. Ultimately, I had to harness control of my thoughts and self-talk in order to fully regain my self-confidence.
Like I mentioned, I added more physical activity into my life and tried to be outside in nature by hiking and taking walks. Exercise combined with nature and fresh air allowed me to sleep better and be more productive. These steps added to my renewed sense of self-confidence as I began to see myself as beautiful and desirable for the first time in many years.
Next, I made a concerted effort to dress nicer and more appropriately for my curvy, big busted body type. I took extra time to pick out my wardrobe and focused on purchasing new items of clothing that accented my features and hid any undesirable features. I tried to look put together when leaving the house, from head to toe.
An uncommon strategy I tried was to look in the mirror before leaving and tell myself, “Lacie, you’re beautiful, smart and tough as nails. You will get this shit done today.” Call it a little pep talk. If you’re single and living relatively alone, nobody else is there to lift you up and motivate you.
I found if I acted confident, even if I had to fake it until I made it for a while, confidence would, at a minimum, be outwardly portrayed to others.
Another step I took to feeling more attractive was to adore my body and embrace my sexiness. We don’t feel our most beautiful at all times, but if you look at the big picture instead of focusing on the things you don’t like, you will see that your inner and outer beauty come together to create your own unique beauty.
I stopped comparing myself to others and wishing my body looked like theirs. I accepted my body for what it was and fell in love with it. We attract who we are, and I knew from the get-go I wanted to attract a strong, confident man. In order to manifest that, I needed to become strong and confident myself.
I realized as I started dating again, one of the secrets to being irresistible was to be straight forward and speak my mind. I asked for what I wanted, and men loved it. Men don’t want to guess what a woman is thinking and wanting, just as women don’t want to ask for reassurance. So, I took all the guessing out of it and communicated openly and directly.
The biggest lesson I’ve learned from my Sexcapades, that I wrote about in my upcoming book, Lacie’s Lessons In Dating: Confidence Is Alluring, was how sexy men find me because I’m completely comfortable with my body, despite being curvy and imperfect.
If you have ever seen the movie or read the book Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, you may recall this line, “Let me ask you something, in all the years that you have…undressed in front of a gentleman has he ever asked you to leave? Has he ever walked out and left? No? It’s because he doesn’t care! He’s in a room with a naked girl, he just won the lottery.”
Well, guess what…this statement couldn’t be truer! From my experience, most men aren’t looking for women with perfect bodies. They’d rather have a woman who wants to engage in higher level conversation, ask for what she wants, and listen with sincerity.
My final thought about confidence is that we all have it, we just need to nurture it, practice it, feel it and believe it. We are all deserving of respect and love, but we have to learn how to love ourselves first. Once you love yourself and hold yourself confidently, you will begin to attract men who do the same. Those are the men worth our time and attention!